


Bones and the Kid

by jenny_wren



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-31 02:56:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1026440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenny_wren/pseuds/jenny_wren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sincere apologies to Damon Runyon</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bones and the Kid

**Author's Note:**

> This was a buckleup meme request for a 1920s AU. For the purposes of this story we are working on the basis Dave the Dude changed his name because Chris the Piker isn't anything like as cool.

I am stopping by Mindy’s restaurant when I first lay eyes on the character who calls himself Bones and is getting people most concerned. Now guys who are not so tough are apt to give themselves names that sound very tough indeed, so maybe this guy Bones is not so tough but nobody is willing to take chances on an unknown guy because taking chances on an unknown guy can lead to very serious social errors.

So one and all are very anxious to find out as to why Bones is in town and who knows of him. I hear they are even asking questions up in Brooklyn although nobody in Brooklyn can be expected to know anything about a guy from Georgia.

Now Bones, he does not look so tough with big round eyes and a pleasant manner of speaking, so naturally I grow more concerned. I say hello very polite and he smiles at me very pleasant.

As it turns out he is looking for a guy. He talks of this guy and his blond hair and blue eyes until you will think he is talking about a doll so I know he is talking about the Kid.

The Kid is only in town a year but he is already somebody. The Kid arrives in town with nothing more than his very smart suit. Of course many guys arrive in town in such a state, but as it turns out the Kid is known to Dave the Dude who thinks more than something of him. And when Dave the Dude thinks more than something of a guy he is not apt to remain with only a very smart suit for long.

There are many people asking why Dave the Dude thinks so highly of the Kid and it comes out that Dave the Dude knew the Kid’s old man who croaked when the Kid was commencing to be born. Citizens on Broadway say it is a very sad tale and speaks well of Dave the Dude that he looks out for the Kid. Personally I say Dave the Dude thinks highly of the Kid because he is handy with his dukes and knows not to ask too many questions, but nobody is any too bothered with my opinion.

Now many guys who think very good of themselves feel sore at the Kid for becoming a somebody in so short a time and speak very impolite about him. The Kid keeps smiling real nice but there is two or three unfortunate accidents until guys start remembering to be polite and nobody says again as to how the Kid looks prettier than a doll. Indeed, one character goes so far as to say the Kid is ugly, but it is generally agreed that Cupcake is not such a sad loss at that.

Naturally I am not saying any of this to Bones because the Kid does not approve of guys sticking their snoots into his business and I am finding I do not approve of unfortunate accidents, particularly if I am the party having the accident. 

In fact nobody is telling Bones that the Kid is in Atlantic City with Dave the Dude speaking with some guys who were impolite to Dave the Dude. The Kid is very firm in his views and is always willing to explain to guys why they should be polite. 

Then McCoy the whiskey man comes back from Bermuda and explains that Bones is his cousin, and says while Bones is not by any means a phonus bolonus, being particularly handy with a shiv, he is not one of those guys who is overly excitable and gets to tossing pineapples about. This is a relief to one and all, but McCoy the whiskey man goes on to say that Bones has an ever-loving wife back in Georgia, who decides she no longer wishes to be Mrs Bones and Mrs Bones is being the only baby girl of a Judge - a genuine Judge, not one of the Judges who is apt to hang about on Broadway. Now the only baby girl of a Judge most certainly does not need to go on being Mrs Anybody if she does not chose to, so Bones is no longer a person acceptable to Georgia society because it will not do to embarrass the former Mrs Bones.

Now if there is one thing that will make a guy daffy it is a doll, and when the doll is his ever-loving wife there is no telling what a guy may do, usually because there is nobody left to do any telling.

Then it is remembered that the Kid, who most any doll on Broadway will be glad to spend time with, is by no means as interested in their propositions as one and all would expect. In fact it will be fair to say the Kid plays the chill for the dolls saying they in no way measure up to his own ever-loving Georgia peach.

Now the dolls do not get mad with the Kid for saying such things but get to liking him even more because there is no accounting for dolls, so many people believe the Kid is doing nothing but spinning a line. And certainly the Kid makes up plenty to Miss Nyota Uhura, but personally I think he only does so to annoy the Professor whose doll she is.

But one and all commence remembering how when the Kid is mulled up good he will sing ‘Moonshine Valley’ and talk about going down to Georgia when he is a swell with plenty of dough, and they get to thinking it very curious that the Kid speaks so well of a Georgia doll when Bones is short one Georgia doll who was his ever-loving wife.

When Dave the Dude returns from Atlantic City I mention these very curious facts to him but Dave the Dude does nothing but laugh. It comes out that many guys speak with Dave the Dude regarding this Bones but Dave the Dude only laughs more and more. Soon it is understood that Dave the Dude has invited Bones to the Hot Box that night when the Kid will be there.

This seems more than somewhat strange and quite a number of guys drift into the Hot Box during the night because they wish to see what goes down. When the Kid enters one and all commence talking loudly and do not look at him.

“Well,” says the Kid, “I did not think we did so badly as that in Atlantic City.”

Dave the Dude calls him over and says as how they will lick Atlantic City yet and the Kid agrees and everything is easy excepting as how no one will look at the Kid.

The customers are shown the door when the Kid arrives and soon everyone is turned out except for the regulars. Nobody is standing between the Kid and the door but they all watch the door as they wait. After about ten minutes in comes Bones. Now I am thinking Bones looks like a very tough guy indeed.

The Kid jumps and turns as pale as a doll, “Bones!”

Bones does not say anything but he punches the Kid hard in the jaw, then grabs him before he can fall down.

“Bones,” says the Kid again and grabs right back onto Bones. Bones cusses out the Kid with such words as a gentleman will be ashamed to know.

One and all are interested in what will happen next and it is felt Dave the Dude is acting very unreasonable when he says,

“Take it outside boys.”

The Kid and Bones drag each other out the door. Regret the horse player offers seven to three on the Kid although personally I do not find such behavior acceptable because nobody knows Bones’ form.

Before anyone takes the opportunity to sneak away for some inside information there commences a great clattering as if four or five guys are letting fly with lead. Naturally this is a great surprise because nobody realizes Bones brings friends to this affair. Dave the Dude is pretty much steamed up about this development and he is shouting and opening the door, which is always a mistake when lead is flying, and sure enough he falls back clutching his arm.

“Bones!” yells the Kid again, and suddenly Bones and the Kid are in the room, both clutching equalizers and blazing slugs out the door.

Skeets Bolivar is the first to understand that some desperados are in the street outside and he quickly slams the door before they can get to throwing pineapples or things of that nature.

“It’s the mob from Atlantic City,” says the Kid, “I recognized Black Mick.” Then he says, “Bones!” again.

Bones looks up from where he is kneeling by Dave the Dude and says,

“He’ll live to pull more fool stunts.” 

The Kid grins real bright and he says, “I have another engagement, but I will be very glad to resume our conversation at a later date.”

Bones grins back and one and all can see that their kissers are marked up and the Kid’s lip is split. 

Then Bones throws his equalizer to the Kid who catches it neatly.

“Stay here,” says the Kid, “this won’t take long.” And he climbs out the back window and away.

Bones, who it comes out is a croaker, sets to fixing up Dave the Dude’s arm. Regret says as to how we should be moving on home but Bones says real quick, no, this is the only safe place on Broadway, and after thinking about the Kid and how it is likely he is explaining to the Atlantic City mob how very impolite he finds their clipping Dave the Dude, one and all decide that Bones is a very sensible man. Then there is another round of drinks and no more talk of moving on.

When Bones is satisfied that Dave the Dude’s arm is sewed up nicely, he takes Dave the Dude’s equalizer and goes to sit where he can watch the window and door. I ask Dave the Dude about this Bones character, because Dave the Dude does not generally know guys from Georgia.

“I know of him from the Kid,” says the Dave the Dude, “and it is a most remarkable story. One day when the Kid is just starting out he hooks up with this Bones and they are booting in and out of Canada on their own accounts. Now it so happens their car gets damaged when the police unkindly drive them off the road and all their savings are not enough to fix it. In fact their savings are such that there is not enough to split two ways. So the Kid leaves Bones all the dough and lights out.”

Now I know Dave the Dude is daffy with pain when he says the Kid leaves Bones all the dough because that is by no means a reasonable proposition. But I do not tell Dave the Dude that he is mistaken and it is the Kid who takes all the dough, because he may get excited and it is not good for a man who has been clipped to get excited.

“Bones looks for the Kid but cannot find him because the Kid is too smart for that. So Bones goes back to Georgia and Medical school and his childhood sweetheart which he earlier has to leave on account of not having enough dough. There he becomes a croaker and marries his childhood sweetheart but she decides that Bones is not enough of a swell for a Judge’s only baby girl. So Bones leaves Georgia and decides to look for the Kid and finds him here. Naturally Bones is more than somewhat steamed that the Kid left him with all that dough so he busts him some at first, but Bones is a very solid guy for all that.”

As I am talking to Dave the Dude an argument commences as no one can agree on odds against the Kid, because nobody thinks any shysters from Atlantic City can get the drop the Kid.

Before things can get any too heated, Bones calls, “Coppers!” from his lookout post and one and all get very busy until all the liquor is drunk and the glasses put away. Bones puts his own jacket on Dave the Dude. The jacket does not fit Dave the Dude good enough to look high-toned but it hides the bandages and coppers are no judges of what is high-toned at that.

It is with quite some astonishment we see that with the coppers is the Kid, and the Professor too. The Professor is Dave the Dude’s lawyer and a very smart one indeed. We are all very sorry thinking the Kid has been picked up by the coppers but the Kid is still grinning away.

The detective with the coppers looks very serious at the Dave the Dude.

“There has been some trouble up on forty-third street.”

Dave the Dude commences to look very surprised.

“One building is burned down and Mister O’Halloran’s joint is destroyed but nobody is hurt.”

“That is a great shame,” says Dave the Dude. Nobody feels much sorrow for Red O’Halloran who is a character who gives himself airs and lately is apt to think himself better than even Dave the Dude, which is a very foolish thing to be thinking.

“Now,” says the detective. “I will arrest your boys for this, excepting for how they have already been arrested at the Sixteen Hundred Club for fighting. They break a lot of furniture and upset one of the dancers no little until they hear her screeching three streets away. Eventually we bust down the door and grab them, but Miss Missouri Martin says she prefers they pay for the breakages than be arrested.”

One and all know that the detective has the wrong end of this story. The Kid and the Professor will never fight like he says because, while the Kid dearly loves a scrap, the Professor thinks fighting is undignified and will never fight for longer than five minutes before his opponent does not get up no more. 

Moreover the dancer will be Miss Nyota Uhura and she never screeches because she thinks that is undignified and she and the Professor are very dignified at all times. So if Miss Nyota Uhura is screeching it is because she wants citizens to think that the Professor and the Kid are fighting in her room while they off being busy at Red O’Halloran’s club.

Naturally nobody explains this to the coppers because they may get confused and when the coppers are confused they are apt to nail individuals who have nothing to do with the events whatsoever.

“So,” the detective keeps gabbing, “I look around for who might have done such a thing and I find some guys from Atlantic City loaded up with hardware enough to burn down half the town. I do not suppose you have seen them about.”

“No,” says Dave the Dude. “But it is very shocking to hear about such desperados. It speaks well of you that you arrest them before they do more damage.”

The detective looks very much like he wishes to grab all of us and most especially Dave the Dude, the Professor and the Kid, but there are too many citizens at the Sixteen Hundred Club who will be willing to say as how the Kid and the Professor were there fighting, so there is nothing for the detective but to smile nice and take his leave.

Dave the Dude thanks the police sergeant and says as how he is always ready to support the Police Ball and the sergeant says as how he appreciates that and all the coppers depart well satisfied.

The Kid and the Professor sit down. They smell more than somewhat of smoke.

“You know,” says the Kid, looking very thoughtful, “I will lay you good odds that someplace in Atlantic City will soon very unfortunately set fire.”

“It is only logical,” says the Professor.

They both look at Dave the Dude, who tells them, “Just do not get caught boys.” They both look shocked at the very idea. 

Then the Kid demands to know why Bones is there instead of being a respectable citizen down south in Georgia like he is supposed to be.

Bones explains that he does not have the right attitude to be a respectable citizen down south, and in fact the respectable citizens are saying if they will see him again they will be throwing him a necktie party.

The Kid looks very ugly and tucks his hand around his equalizer. Bones laughs and tells him to cool it, saying as how he does not desire to be a respectable citizen of Georgia at any price.

“But what about Miss Jocelyn?”

Bones explains how Mrs Bones is no little disappointed that Bones refuses to be a respectable Georgia citizen and that Bones is no little disappointed that Mrs Bones wishes to be a respectable Georgia citizen and they agree that they do not suit.

“Oh,” says the Kid.

“And,” says Bones, “I speak to some guys and my cousin tells me of this Kid who is committing mayhem up on Broadway and I think to myself that he is very likely you, so I come to see for myself.”

“Oh.”

The Kid does not say any more and eventually Bones looks about, “Broadway does not seem too shabby a place.”

“You think you may visit some?” The Kid looks just as bashful as if he is a real kid.

“Thought I might.” Bones nudges the Kid with his elbow and they are smiling, smiling. “Somebody is needed to keep you out of trouble,” says Bones and he is not wrong at that.


End file.
